A fun way to make things uncomfortable at work is to buy a box of donuts for everyone but keep them on your lap.
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It never felt more springy than that time I got drunk and slept on my neighbours trampoline.
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
Inspirational tweet.
interviewer: describe your hero
me: I needed to borrow space in a friend’s freezer but it was full so she ate enough food to make room
Me: I need help burying a body
Wife: FFS….ok…….but you’re doing the dishes tonight
Me:……kThat’s how a good marriage works people.
My sister is holding her baby in one hand and a cup of Starbucks in the other, I’m going to toss her phone at her to see who gets dropped.
All of your holes are looking great
– Croctologists
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
Let’s make a calendar where the models look worse as the year goes on so I feel like I’m progressing in my fitness goals
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Women across the Twitterverse get random nudity requests, and I? I get a request for a voice note of me blowing my nose.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.
Yes, Firefox. I will abort the script but only to save the life of the web page.
I will give Canada this. Their geese are hard to keep in a headlock.
As kids, we wondered why our parents were always in a bad mood.
Now we’re like, okay yes this makes sense.
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
I found a YouTube video demonstrating a 5 minute speed clean. It was 25 minutes long.
I’m 97% positive that my working from home situation will be negatively impacted by the fact that I’m downloading Fallout 4 on my work laptop right now.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.
“Yeah, and she’s not breathing. Should I call someone?”
“Yes!”
“Hello! Yes, hello Pizza Hut, she’s not breathing.”
My family said if I don’t get a Facebook, they’d all get a Twitter
I sacrificed myself for all of twitter kind
I’m the Jesus of social media
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
Babe, can u vacuum a Chess board into the carpet again? the guys r here for a lifesize game
*guys standing around in armor & kings outfits*
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
I’ve honestly never been more disappointed in life than when I found out that the Miami Dolphin football team was made up entirely of people
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?