“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
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From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Guide to making everyone hate you:
Step 1) Turn your hat backwards
Honored sirs, I am PRINCE KIELSEN and I am contacting you with exciting opportunity. I recently inherited an island but need a small amount of cash. Send a money order for $600,000,000 to my account and I will give you “Greenland.”
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
It’s impossible for TWO dudes to ride ONE motorcycle without it looking romantic…
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
If I was being attacked by a shark, I would simply remind it that sharks actually don’t have a taste for human flesh and are only perceived as bloodthirsty man-eaters due to wildly inaccurate portrayals in big-budget films like Jaws and Deep Blue Sea.
Hey fitness people, it’s great that I know what all of your gym bathrooms look like.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Who made up sending kids to their room when they get in trouble? It’s like an amusement park in there. Timeouts should be spent in the parents’ room—no one’s had fun in there in ages.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
What do you mean the project is DUE TOMORROW?!
– a parenting memoir
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
The cops just showed up at work & all the workers that have been in trouble before fled. At least that’s what I can see from under my desk.
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Guys, I found it.
College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.