the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders
You Might Also Like
Wanna be like jesus, walk on a cucumber, its 98% water, so you’re 98% jesus
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Harry Potter at an interview
Interviewer: It says here you defeated Lord Voldemort when you were 17 years-old.
Harry: That’s correct, sir.
Interviewer: But no experience with Excel. Wow.
Being a parent puts you in excruciatingly difficult situations. For example, having to talk to other parents.
I thought Snapchat was just a conversation with a sassy black woman.
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Everyone wants gift cards now so on Christmas morning it’s just a lot of passing envelopes. It looks like a mob wedding.
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
We must preserve our bookstores. There are so few places you can go to slide sideways on a ladder
*heist at the louvre*
Me: *jiggling handle* crap it’s locked
A bouncy castle with a low cement ceiling to teach you not to have too much fun
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
If you think Lord of the Flies couldn’t happen, you’ve clearly never seen a group of 7 year olds go after a piñata.
me: i love pillow talk
pillow: hello
me: what the hell
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Logically the best time to kick someone is when they are down
There must be so many advantages to being a president or a king, but I’d wager that the most exciting of all is never having to carry your own house keys.
Me *looking at 50 caskets in church* this is weird
Waldo’s wife *dabbing eyes* it’s what he would’ve wanted
twitter users today:
McConaughey: I’ll have a venti with cream please
Starbucks barista: ok, how do you spell your last name?
McConaughey: I don’t know
Friend: My car is making a weird noise
Me: Have you tried essential oils?
Him: why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?
Me: *covered in peanut butter and bird seed* it sure is a mystery.
*First day as a fire investigator*
Me: We’re trying to figure out why your house burned down
Woman: Have you ruled out arson?
Me: *narrows eyes, looks at baby* No
“please feel free to ignore this email” – respectful, timely communication, probably requesting something that I can handle in a couple minutes
“I need this ASAP” – well you shoulda asked yesterday pal
[Spelling bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘Invulnerable’.
Me: “I-N-V-U-“
Judge: I am pretty awesome.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”