Well. That’s not a good sign.
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Just moisturized my hands and now I can’t get out of the bathroom. Send help.
Good morning, here are some ABBA songs that could also be about Mario:
• Mamma Mia
• Money, Money, Money
• Super Trooper
• Name of the Game
• I’ve Been Waiting For You
• The Winner Takes It AllPlease let me know if there are any more.
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Finally passed GO. That’s the last time I eat a Monopoly board.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
I love having a bowl for my keys by the door, it’s really helpful to have one less place to look for them
Me: I feel like I look cute today.
Target self-checkout video: EIGHTY-SEVEN YEAR OLD WITCH.
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
ME: we need to talk
BOYFRIEND: I agree. I was thinking—
ME: the fact that Rudolph’s nose was shiny says nothing about its actual luminosity & if it DID glow, red is the least bright light that human eyes see which is why it’s used in observatories. It wouldn’t help Santa at all
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
wife: know what today is?
me: yep
wife: on 2
together: 1, 2
wife: Happy Anniver..
me: 3 MONTHS UNTIL..
wife:..sary
me:
wife:
me: ..Santa
My spirit animal is this 9 yo, so calm and polite during girl sleepover drama, who just told me “literally, nothing is interesting to me”.
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
Due to the current economic situation, I’ve decided to start a dating site for chickens.
It’s not my full time job.
I’m just doing it to make hens meet.
coworker:
[points at my flip flops]
You know it’s going to rain today, right?!me:
[looks up]
Oh thank god! We have a ceiling here at work!
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
“People are acting crazy” says the interviewed shopper with the shopping cart piled high.
I just got hit head on by a crazy women riding a menstrual cycle.
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
If your dog doesn’t come back when you call them just shout “Oh shit!” and look at the floor like you’ve dropped something
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
The most troubling examples of sexism, homophobia and racism that I’ve ever heard are things I’ve said driving on the New Jersey Turnpike.