After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don’t look happy.
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My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
“Doc, it’s embarrassing, but I don’t feel sexy.”
“Try wearing the wife’s panties.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, the red ones with the lace are nice”
[Worm sitting alone]
WAITER: Dinner for 1?
Dumb question
W: But-
*worm cuts self in half*
*waiter shrieks*
2nd WORM: I’ll have the prime rib
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
My cat just wrote the Great American Novel. Let me read you a page, “Meow meow meow meow meow meow.” Dunno, think it’s a little pretentious.
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
doktor: are you enjoying the weather?
me: yes. it is very outside
judge: I hereby sentence you to 68 years in prison
my lawyer: your honor my client respectfully requests a year be added to his sentence
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Did the ancestry search. Bit concerned my family tree only goes back as far as the night most of Dunwich washed away, and an event recorded only as “The Summoning.”
We’re about two years from funerals starting and ending with, “don’t forget to like, share and subscribe.”
Happy Caturday!
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Me: I wonder what the wicked witch’s name is.
7: Ding Dong.
Me: What?
7: The song says, Ding Dong the Witch is dead.
Me: Oh. My. God. 😂
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
No one warns you about being a parent. So, be prepared to never have matching anything ever again
My husband wants to know why our microwave is suddenly filthy like the break room microwave back at his office. I only see one common denominator here.
He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
So apparently a neighborhood watch is not watching bad stuff happen to your neighbor’s home & then taking a nap
i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift