Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
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craved ice cream, so I had Greek yogurt with blueberries instead
still craving ice cream except now I’m angry, too
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Me: Did you know avocado improves Brain function?’
Kristen: ‘Mom you eat it all the time and I haven’t seen ANY improvement.’
GOD: my latest creation will have the body of an ape, the voice box of a parrot, the skin of a pig, and the intelligence of a dolphin. I call it Human, and it will destroy everything else I’ve made
ANGELS: [confused applause]
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
When I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
“They grow up so fast.”
– Me, looking at my problems.
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
wife left me because I wouldn’t stop referring to bread as “acoustic toast”
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
i wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating snickers for breakfast in bed.
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
My 5-year-old refuses to believe that shells & cheese tastes exactly like mac & cheese but believes there definitely is a dinosaur in his bedroom.
Ok, so we’ve already made them resistant to reason and with an absolute disregard for their own safety. But what if we, and now hear me out, also made them incredibly fast?
—God, creating toddlers
“no gods no masters” = leo
“OMG THE CORN IS SHOOTING AT US”
– inventor of popcorn
The hardest part of being Darth Vader is never being able to sneak up on anyone because your theme music started playing.
Florida man
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it. I’m serious. That Israeli how he does it.
If u luv sumthin set it free
*releases 2yr old into the wild*
Good luck son
*sobbing*
STOP FOLLOWING ME! GO ON,GET OUT OF HERE
*throws rocks
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
Me: *in bed with dogs*
*car drives down street*
Dogs: HOW DARE YOU MAKE A NOISE WHILE OUR HUMAN IS SLEEPING, WHAT IS YOUR PROBLEM?