From Our CEO
To Our Valued Customersholy shit please come back we promise to start cleaning the bathroom
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Me: Goodnight moon
Moon: night.
Me: What?
Moon: nothing. It’s fine.
Me: You’re acting distant
Moon: I’m 238,900 miles away
I’m glad humans don’t do the combo breed names like Labradoodle. I wouldn’t want to tell people I’m Germish.
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Wife: where’s the baby?
Me: up on the roof
Wife: THE ROOF?
Me: relax. He’s got sunscreen on
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
My life is a constant battle of wanting to pet a dog and not wanting to talk to its owner.
my kid correcting me about a dinosaur fact
what idiot decided to call it “the Iliad & the Odyssey” and not Troy Story and Troy Story 2
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth
ME: Really? Which one?
FRIEND: Katie
ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
Unfortunately I’ve determined that sucking up is part of human nature because it works and yes my boss DID look very nice today…
I usually stumble upon her safe words by accident, like when I say ‘moist’ or ‘I paid full price for everything at Whole Foods’
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
[dumping jar of pennies in front of the IRS]
How much not jail can I get with this many moneys?
My doctor said I look pretty & I am taking that as her professional medical opinion no take backsies
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
“Can you get my water, Mom?”
— My child, still in possession of the perfectly healthy legs I spent 9 months growing for him.
I should have grown him some Go Go Gadget arms.