Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
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Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
(sees a hot guy at the bar)
me: hey dude. why don’t you take off that big coat? you’re sweating everywhere
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Cat: I am a MAJESTIC POWERFUL creature of the night
Me: I will call you Mr Fuzzypants
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
Oh, you’re a parent? Then how many times have you moved a cup back from the edge of the table this week?
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
I can tell Spring is almost here because I’m on the verge of wanting to kill myself but I’d also like to plant some bulbs.
Just had an Aha moment
Then a Duran Duran moment
Then a Eurythmics moment
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Mailmen are basically reverse garbagemen.
“So how was your date?”
I talked about my obsession with reducing fractions too much
“That wasn’t a good idea”
Yeah well, hindsight is 1
DECORATOR: Now I’ve finished the job can I come over and take some pictures?
ME: Of course. I’ll miss you too.
DECORATOR: I meant of my work
Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Him: What are you doing tomorrow?
Me: I was thinking maybe a chocolate croissant for breakfast.
Him: *sighs*
Me: Oh, you mean between meals.
Everyone else could have their eyes shut, runny noses and food in their teeth but if I look thin, it’s a GREAT group photo.
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Nothing makes you regret an outfit choice faster than when you see teens looking at you and whispering.
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.