I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
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I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
Me: What would you do to a Klondike bar?
Wife: To or for?
Me: Just one
I’ve dated a vegetarian, trust me, they put meat in their mouth.
Well well well, if it isn’t the bridge I said I’d burn when I came to it…
Me: I don’t know how to ride a horse
Whiskey: Yes you do
I almost slept through the whole thing
*best day ever*
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
The dude at the airport parking lot turned on the heated steering wheel in our car we’ve owned for 2+ years and I have no idea how to turn it off. I didn’t even know we had a heated steering wheel.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
[first date]
DATE: I think cat people are psychopaths
ME: *slowly pushes date’s coffee off table*
Chairs are pretty great.
You can fight a lion, or sit if you want.
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
JUDGE: i sentence you to life in prison
MY LAWYER WHO IS A HOUSE FLY: nice that’s only like 11 days
Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
[Ex-hot dog vendor, first day as a surgeon]
Me: Nurse, my good tongs, and 3 units of ketchup, STAT
Nurse: *just staring at my paper hat*
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Me: I’d like to make an appointment for my son.
Doctor’s office: Please hold.
Me: Okay.
Doctor’s office: What is child’s date of birth?
Me: Please hold.
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
A fun thing you can do when making a larger purchase like a TV or refrigerator is to ask if it’s snake proof, and immediately follow it up with “the fact that you’re hesitating is concerning to me”
Just said to my dog ‘excuse me, no, we don’t eat masking tape do we?’ I don’t know why I said ‘we’. Obviously I don’t eat masking tape. Just wanted to make her feel better I guess, like we’re in this decision together.
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
[texting mom]
u were right, my interviewer wasn’t crazy about the lucky binky
We need a Disney princess who’s a greedy profiteer so we can cheer for the poison apple.
perfume should come with instructions
like on medicine: Dab LIGHTLY on pulse
points Do NOT marinade in event of
overdose take shower
It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. It will be dark. It will be light. Then I’m back.
Me, explaining a vacation to my cat.
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.