If da Vinci were alive today, the “Mona Lisa” would have been called “IMG-20121020-00463.jpg”
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Me: can I start calling him 3.5 yet?
Wife: do you even know his name anymore?
Me: yes wife of course I know his name.
I think it would be great if ice cream licked you back.
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
[Dinner table]
Son: no! I don’t wanna!
Me: you want to be like Popeye don’t ya?
Son: …yeah
Me: then hold still for this anchor tattoo.
Grocery guy here with a reminder…
You don’t “un-thaw” things from the freezer. You “thaw” them. Un-thaw would be freezing it😒
I never realized that by my age, I would be so well educated in kitchen back splashes
Her: Sure! I’d love to go out with you
Me: Noice.
Her: I just remembered I’m busy that day.
“Sure, I get it!”
– Me, not getting it
surgeon: you can’t lift anything over ten pounds for 6 weeks.
me: how am i supposed to pee?
*surgeon high-fives me*
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
what idiot called it the sun instead of a space heater?
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway
Active voice: I loved your book
Passive voice: Your book was loved
Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book
Do bodybuilding exterminators have better traps?
when my period ends and i’m done with all the overly emotional outbursts
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Someone in my neighborhood is cooking bacon and now I’m wondering if I should have been more friendly to my neighbors for the last 18 years.
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
2024 is starting to feel like it needs to be left outside until we see if it can act right.