Practice self-care like vampires: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
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I’m no kind of intellectual, but my sister-in-law asked if “Edgar Allen Poe wrote the Romeo and Juliet book” and my kids share that family’s genes.
Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
[12 hours without eating]
Maybe Hannibal Lecter was just really hungry
Me: I’m exhausted. Please just go to sleep.
Brain: K
Me:
Brain:
Me:
Brain:
Me: *almost asleep, drooling a little*
Brain: HOW WOULD YOU EVEN DANCE IF YOUR FEET ARE LOOSE
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
kidnapper: [opens trunk] get up
me: ʲᵘˢᵗ ⁵ ᵐᵒʳᵉ ᵐᶦⁿᵘᵗᵉˢ
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geeseGuess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
Don’t try take your pants off while walking down stairs.
Lesson learned
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
Her: He cheated on me with my best friend!! 😭
Me: 😐☹️
Me: I thought I was your best friend 😭
I used to constantly compare myself to the people around me but, as I’ve grown older, I’ve got better at not having people around me.
[frog-condom sales meeting]
frog 1: our numbers are down, how can we make the condom more enjoyable for our customers?
frog 2: rib it
frog 1: Andrew, you’re a goddamn genius
DATE: I want to date someone that loves the ocean
MY BRAIN: say you like swimming
MY MOUTH: the Titanic was an inside job
I could never be an actress because I don’t want kids and would never be able to say “but my favorite role is being a mom” at award shows.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
No officer, Vodka and I were hanging out and this car decided to join us.
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here
we got a new neighbour and I thought it was taking him weeks to move in but turns out he works for u-haul
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
[at a funeral]
*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*
*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?
How many coffees before I stop looking for shirts in my refrigerator