It’s impossible to buy a mirror that isn’t used
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Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
“Mom can you take this scratch off my leg?” and other ludicrous requests my kids have
Bird: Can I eat bugs off you and use you as a toilet?
Rhino: What’s in it for me?
Bird: I’ll warn you of danger
Rhino: I don’t have predators
Bird:
Rhino:
Bird: Okay I was trying to be polite but this is happening
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
5: Daddy, can I help?
Me: No, sorry. This is a tough job
5: [robot voice] I. am. a. ro-bot.
I. will. com-plete. the. work. of. 10. men.Me: [handing over tools]
my perfume shop will have selections like eau de fresh bread, eau de sizzling bacon or eau de piping hot coffee
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Don’t go chasing waterfalls. Pretend to be disinterested. Wait several days to call the waterfalls back.
“My favorite sex fantasy starts with you bringing me wine…”
And then?
“Cheese.”
Mmmm and then?
“You close the door from outside.”
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
A truck loaded with Vicks VapoRub overturned on the interstate. Police report there is no congestion in the area.
2010’s:
Swallowing a Tide pod2020’s:
Swallowing an Air pod
Little known fact: Scotland is just an elaborate hoax with Mike Myers playing all of its citizens.
Cinematography is my passion
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
I stole a friend’s phone today and set it so it will autocorrect “I’ve” to “me’ve” and me’m really excited about it.
How to tell you’ve had a successful business meeting:
1) You ate free food
2) You said one thing that was confusing enough to sound intelligent
3) You left with no assigned action items
me: turtles stole my pizza today
therapist: interesting
me: they emerged from the sewer like ninjas
therapist [removing mask to reveal shredder]: WHERE WERE THESE TURTLES
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Dear marketing people: Please stop calling things “chocolate” if I can’t eat them. Thank you.
I’m getting to the age where I could be a cougar, but Wikipedia says cougars are “slender and agile” which pretty much rules that out.