My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
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The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
not to brag, but my pizza cutter has 175,000 miles on it
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
*Pays bills*
*Bank turns off debit card for suspicious activity*
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Don’t take drugs… for granted.
If you add orange juice to Jason Momoa you get a Jason Mimosa.
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
a centaur has six limbs, a lower abdomen (horse torso), and an upper thorax (human torso), categorically making it a bug
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
Two certain individuals today proclaimed me the worst mom ever because I took them to the dentist.
I FORCED THEM TO HAVE TEETH. Like, OMG.
Look, I respect the skill. But no.
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter
Her: hot
Me: *narrows eyes*
You’re worried about the home hairdressing? Wait till you have to resort to home dentistry.
Saw sign in yoga store: Do One Thing A Day That Scares You. So today I start raping coyotes.
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
If it wasn’t for the 140 character limit, I’d be on Chapter 27 of my first tweet right now.
I just need you to see the stairs in an apartment I viewed. Am I a mountain goat?
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Ahhh the sweet smell of Christmas
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
I have such a bad cold that when I breathe through my nose, it sounds like Marge Simpson sighing/expressing disapproval.
i’m on my way to a date with a girl i asked out while blackout drunk in the bathroom of pie express. i don’t know what she looks like or why she agreed to go out with me but wish us luck lmao
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.