If you are being chase by a serial killer, you both are running for your life
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*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
Waking up in 2016: [immediately makes coffee]
Waking up in 2017: [immediately checks to see if WW3 has started]
Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
i hate when people wait in the chat as u type… mf can i get some privacy??
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Smile they said.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
We’ll just have to agree to disagree is my favorite way of saying “you’re an idiot but I’m tired”
Welcome to IKEA. I see you need a new Fyrkantig for your Dagstorp.
Me:How do you pronounce that?
*sound of corduroy pants rubbing together
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
– Will you donate your organs when you die?
– No, I will not do anything when I die. I will be dead.
My ex is selling the vehicle I lost my virginity in. I really loved that skateboard.
If you think being a vegetarian will make you thin, I direct your attention to cows.
Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet
Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
[Naming Days Meeting]
Guy 1: We need a name for the last one.
Guy Who Named Wednesday: Sudnaday?
Guy 1: Not one more goddamn word, Barry.
I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
I bet the people worried about what’s in the vaccine never even take a peek in the kitchen when they eat in a restaurant
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.