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It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
A peacock is just a chicken made by Versace.
[showing people around museum] and if u look to ur left you’ll see a bunch of uppity people who get reaaal weird when you lick the paintings
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
My toddler poured a bottle of lavender essential oil on the floor and I’m calling bullshit on the whole calming effect claim.
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
My 4yo twins spent half the morning yelling “Alexa watch this!!” and when they finally walked away Alexa asked if I could find her a new home that doesn’t have kids
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
99% of my news comes from Twitter. All I know is that Adam Levine cooked a chicken in Nyquil and then called its body absurd?
Shhhhh! I can’t hear about how God spoke to you! I’m busy listening to my toaster tell me about his day.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
I’ve started using Shrek as a unit of time, where 1 shrek = 1hr 35min (the length of the movie)
Examples:
“See you in a shrek!” (1hr 35min)
“Dinner will be ready in half a shrek.” (47.5min)
“My birthday is only 469.9 shreks away!” (1 month)
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
[At job interview]
Interviewer: So tell me why you want this job.
Me: I have no money and I prefer when I have money.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
My friend just brought me a coffee and I started crying bc it was such a sweet and small but genuine act of kindness and she was like “I’m your waitress, you literally just ordered this” and that is just classic her I love her so much
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
I can’t believe it’s already been 10 zoips since I invented my own system for measuring time.