MAGICIAN: i will now make my assistant disappear
ASSISTANT: *covers eyes with hands*
AUDIENCE FULL OF BABIES: *gasp with wonder and delight*
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Can’t we all just binge watch season 2022 and get it over with?
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
Mugger: Hand over your wallet and… is that a real diamond ring on her finger?
Wife: *whispering to me* Lie to him.
Me: Yes it is.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
This bicyclist in front of me sure dresses like he could be pedaling faster.
One-year-olds do not care about your carefully arranged baby activities or the toys designed by professionals. One-year-olds wish to fling wide the portals of the kitchen cabinetry and make it a temple to Chaos. The children yearn for the rummage
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
*showing friend my new place*
Me:(sitting)And this is my mocking chair.
Him:Don’t you mean rocking chair?
Me:DoN’t YoU mEaN rOcKiNg ChAiR?
u could put a horse in a time machine and send it to any era and the horse’s life would literally be the same
Something Saturday.
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Person: “Why are you in a wheelchair?”
Me: “I was born this way. You should have seen the tiny wheelchair in the ultrasound.”
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
its actually not that difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. one will see you later and one will see you in a while
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes. I like to watch.
Netflix: I’m worried about you.
Me: Just play the next episode.
Netflix: When was the last time you saw the sun?
Me: There was an outdoor scene in episode 7. Play on.
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.
[At the ferret store]
I’ll take five of those furry slinkys
Yes judgmental liquor store cashier, I must be having another big party.
There should be a thing in doubles tennis where a player can betray their team mate and join the other team so it’s 3 v 1 but if you lose, you’re eliminated as well and the 1 goes on alone.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
my parents didn’t raise an idiot i actually did that all by myself
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
There is no such thing as a hamburger. There are only sad cheeseburgers who are missing their cheese.
Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb