My lack of exercise is really catching up to me. Now it’s passing me. Wow, my lack of exercise is in great shape.
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Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
My dad just told the famous Christmas story from when I was in 1st grade and asked why anyone would put up a ” Leon” sign
I read the noel sign backwards going on a drive to my grandparents
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
explaining cat scratches is like defending an abusive boyfriend to your parents “he didn’t mean it” “you guys just don’t know him like I do”
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
Аbsolutely crazy to thіnk that Leonardo Dіcaprіo’s future gіrlfrіend іs currently nervous for her fіrst day of kіndergarten
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
Who invented Bull Riding? Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
Just heard we’re under a “heat advisory.”
Brought to you by the same people who advise us not to drive during an ice storm or hold fireworks when they explode.
Hell, it’s the 70s all over again. Cheap gas, shaggy hair and no where to go
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
If I chase you, it’s definitely with a flamethrower.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
The hardest part of your divorce will be finding a recent attractive photo of yourself to upload to dating sites.
how to market bottled water to dads
If you made me mad in the 90s, I’d pickup up the landline while you were on the internet
There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.
Last time I took a guy seriously, his girlfriend dm’ed me on twitter telling me they’ve been together for a year and when I confronted him he said if we both argue with each other we’re both not gonna have him 😂😂😂
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
I spend a lot of time contemplating the mysteries of life, like why the wall the natives built to keep Kong out had a Kong-sized door in it.
Half of answering the landline as a kid was yelling “Mom! It’s for you!”