[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
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Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
Me: Hey, remember that actor from the 90s? It’s been forever since I’ve seen them in a movie. I bet they’re super old now.
Google: This actor is three years younger than you.
Me: …Oh. 💀
Went to my bosses funeral this weekend. I leaned over and whispered in his ear.
“who’s thinking outside the box now Gary.”
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
me: [excitedly opening litter box] those are not kittens
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
I recently learned that German Chocolate Cake is made with coconuts. Not everyone likes coconuts. Not one person at the party we were at liked that cake I got. Especially not my wife, whose birthday we were celebrating.
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
There’s no song for those of us who want to throw our hands up in the air and wave ‘em like we have a great deal of concern.
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
Oh, you’re a rock fan? Name 3 rocks
My kid is mad at me because *checks notes* I would not let her hang out in a dog crate and I ruined her dreams of being a dog
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
“This steak is really chewy.”
*me drunk, eating my dog’s toy*
[polygraph test]
Tester: Have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Committed, or been caught?
Tester: …
Me: That was just a joke. Many people consider me quite witty.
*needle goes crazy*
If your twitter husband commits twittercide does that make you a twidow?
Asking for a friend.
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
Me:*about to chop vegetables, picks up a knife,*. That’s not a knife.
*picks up a larger knife,* Now that’s a knife!
Husband: You’re starting to loose your mind a little over there Crocodile Dundee.
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Maybe pack emergency supplies and not thirty-five different steam punk outfits next time.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.