If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
You Might Also Like
Every time I eat a cookie in bed, I imagine it screaming “I’M GONNA CRUMB” because I have something wrong with me
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Obama sure is waiting until the last minute to take everyone’s guns.
Lawyers should get walk-up songs in court like how baseball players do
My dog loses her goddamn mind when I pull a treat from behind her ear
I get it Roomba, I can’t find my way out of the kitchen either.
after watching what feels like 73 Fast and Furious movies… no one fills up with petrol, do those cars run on hopes and dreams
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Don’t hate me cause I’m beautiful, hate me cause I stole your lunch out of the office fridge
The sexual position formally known as 69 is now called 96. Due to the economy, the cost of eating out has increased.
How is Trick-or-Treating not a “protection racket”?
“Nice house you’ve got here. It’d be a shame if it got egged.”
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
I was practicing moves on a stripper pole, when all of a sudden I heard a loud ringing. Then 3 firemen fell from the sky and crushed me.
I WON A HAM TODAY
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Giving people the finger while driving just isn’t effective. Which is why I had the catapult installed.
Cat: if my calculations are correct, a meteor will destroy the Earth in 324 days…
[What I hear]
Cat: meow..
Me: awe, who wants a snuggle?
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
A wise Chinese man once said,
“If a dog barks it’s undercooked”
°at Nike advertising meeting°
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
A nicer way to tell someone their breath stinks is to say “I’m bored, let’s go brush your teeth!”