I accidentally sat on a packet of cheddars today and heard my 4 year old niece say “oh no, my cheds” faintly from across the room
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When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
My 3yo found an Easter egg during the egg hunt that was obviously from last year, it was full of stale jellybeans covered with ants, opened it and yelled, excitedly “WOW I GOT AN ANT ONE!!!!!”
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Sometimes I wanna comment on a photo on Facebook but then I don’t wanna have to explain why I’m in your ‘Random Party Pics 08’ album at 4am.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
My girlfriend broke up with me because I kept saying “it’s a-me” before introducing myself to people
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
You can’t give me a mini fan at work and expect me not to spend the whole morning pretending I’m a model doing a photo shoot. It’s science.
i don’t feel like cooking, but i’m too exhausted to say thank you 53 times at a restaurant.
I’m still pissed that “kill them with kindness” caught on quicker than my “incapacitate, maim and set them on fire with affection.”
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
HIM: You know what we should do at our wedding reception?
[at the same time]
ME: Murder-suicide
HIM: The chicken dance!
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
I picked one hell of a year to stop drinking.
My favourite parallel universe is the one in which, having woken from a nap, I walk over to my dog, have a nice stretch, and just as I think the praise and adoration has peaked, there is a new high as the dog warmly acknowledges my technique with an excited: “ooh, big stretch!”
[speaking very loudly to no one trying to impress someone nearby]
Man what am I going to do with all these hens
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
[himalayan monastery]
me: dad? it took 27 years of searching but I finally found you!
dad: mhmm now it’s your turn to hide
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
What doesn’t kill you leaves you feeling rejected and wondering why you weren’t good enough for death.