It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
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Proud to announce I’ve made Forbes’ “7 Billion under 7 Billion” this year
ME: I heard about your wife. I’m so sorry
HIM: What do you mean, she’s right here
ME: I know, and it’s true she’s just awful
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
You want me to turn around. The thing that led to a total eclipse of the heart
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
Effort made
So it’s okay for the cat to run away and hide under the bed when visitors turn up.
But when I do it, I’m “antisocial”.
I call bullshit.
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
the main reason men’s shirts have those little breast pockets is just in case their gf becomes a worm
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
I once wanted to be a famous singer, but now I just go to a bunch of concerts because my hearing is good and my voice is not..
Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog.
Them: Aren’t you afraid someone will rob and clean your whole house out while you’re gone one day?
Me (looking around at the Cheerios and toys all over the floor): Maybe if I leave the door completely open with a thank you note?
At a dinner party, instead of putting names on place cards, just list everyone’s shortcomings and they have figure out where they’re supposed to sit.
Homeless dude asked me for $10. Thought it was greedy but realized that we were standing outside Whole Foods. Totally legitimate request.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
A couple introduced me to their new born baby, “Herriot,” and I was like oh wow how old is she, 87?