No need to write it down, I’ve a photographic memory
*looks hard af*
*pukes polaroid*
You Might Also Like
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Her: My husband is having an affair!
Me: Really? Who’s catering?
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
You’re a vegetarian who eats fish? I guess that makes sense since bears are basically vegetarians.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
*first day as medical examiner*
Me: What killed him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And him?
Dr: Cancer
Me: And h– let me guess, cancer?
Dr: Nope. Sagittarius
It’s embarrassing when you lose your kid in the grocery store, especially when they have the list and cart and the security guard finds you staring at beer.
Falling in love is like diving into a tin of marshmallows, then hitting your head on the bottom.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
[Watching “Alien” with my son]
Son: You can let go of my hand, dad. I’m not scared
Me: *shaking* Just a few more minutes, please.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
bank robber: ok listen up this is a robbery, everybody be cool [to me] take off those sunglasses
me: first of all, i can’t do both
“Come reckon with me bro.”
-Force
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Her: You’re so skeptical of everything.
Me: I can’t believe you just said that.
*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*
*seductively removes toilet paper from bottom of shoe*
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
“Honey, I’m pregnant”
“Are you kidding me?”
“That’s another way of saying it, I guess, yeah”
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
You’re not officially a teacher unless someone you live with has told you that they’re not one of the children in your class and you can’t speak to them like that.
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
The strongest muscle in the human body is the tongue. Keep that in mind next time you find yourself in a scuffle.
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.