I like to wear different wigs to confuse my enemies. If they sent you to the babe with fringe guess who I am now? The girl with braids. Ooops
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Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
“Alexa, homeschool the children.”
Therapist: Ok *sigh*, what is it this week?
Me: Same issue. I just can’t get past the breakup. It still seems surreal.
Therapist: Look, we’ve been over this repeatedly. Yugoslavia is not getting back together
Texas.
Where the vegan menu item is chicken.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
When I watch hockey I pretend they’re fighting over the last Oreo.
*walks into childhood home*
Him: what’s wrong?
Me: it all looks so different. I distinctly remember the floor being lava.
50 Shades of Yellow. #SpongebobMovie #SuperBowl
favorite tropes as memes
“Have you considered living on campus?” I ask.
“For a school that’s 30 minutes away? That’s crazy.” My 17 year old answers.
I eat my chili from a small ice cream bowl with an oversized serving spoon (because all of our dishes are in his room) as I stare sadly out the window.
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
[GRAND CANYON]
WIFE: Isn’t this incredible?
ME: It’s ok.
WIFE: Were you expecting a thousand canyons?
ME: I don’t want to talk about it
Remember, ladies, when you’re taking those selfies, the camera adds like 10 cats.
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
HELLO? HELP! I’VE BEEN KIDNAPPED & DROPPED IN A NON-ENGLISH-SPEAKING COUNTRY & I DON’T KNOW- wait. Nm. Fell asleep at Szechuan Palace again.
Romantic cop: Here, I brought you a flower.
Competitive about everything cop: Big deal. I brought you a flowest.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
“I don’t want a boyfriend.” -woman who wants a boyfriend who isn’t me
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Having watched me install a yard spotlight, the kids are looking at me in what I can only assume is awe, bathed as we all are in the glow of a whole new light.
I must say, I’m as surprised at them at just how quickly the flames have spread, though.
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
I hate it when computer games force you to make lots of difficult choices. My choices are why I’m 34 years old and playing computer games on a Monday. Clearly choices aren’t my strong point.