I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
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The next time my husband asks me where something in the house is, I’m turning it into a scavenger hunt.
drunk guy just yelled “i love you” to dolly parton and she said “i love you too but i told you to wait in the trunk”
In the same week I found my glasses and my car keys in the refrigerator. It’s a goddam wonder the government lets me live alone.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
if aliens attack we will probably be fine unless they realize how easily we are influenced by traffic cones
#Caturday
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
No one has stolen my lunch at work since I started labeling it “Stool Sample.”
A website for religious potato chip lovers…Christian Pringle.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Apparently the rebooted bible will feature a female Jesus, and Moses will be a raccoon
I’m likely to die of a household accident. I’m certain a spider will be involved.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 😜
*pronounces ‘comb’ like ‘bomb’ eighteen times during interview at Great Clips.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
My 4yo just noticed me trying to throw out an old, wrecked piece of Lego & by the look he gave me I’m afraid to go to sleep now.
Shout out to the zillow listing where someone was just like eff it, the giant bottle of vodka stays in the kitchen pic
The person in front of me paid for my coffee and I had to do the right thing, so I ordered a donut also.