Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
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I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
Son: “Did you know alligators can grow up to 15 feet?”
Me: “Wow, I thought most only had 4.”
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
*moisturizes hands*
*dies of starvation in the bathroom because I can no longer turn the doorknob*
her: babe!
me: wait, I want to word this tweet right
her: BABE!!
me: and send… what was the question?
minister: Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?
[spelling bee]
Teacher: your word is forwards
Me: hey wait everyone else only had to spell one
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Millenials Are Ruining The Economy By No Longer Dying In Coal Mines At Age 8 In Exchange For Ham
There’s only a one-letter difference between heroes and herpes so I’m closer to being a role model than you thought.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
My 4yo informed me that she was “less than not half way done” getting ready for school. My guess is she’ll be ready before I figure out what that means.
me: Why aren’t you wearing pants?
toddler: I can see better without them
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina
Just watched a squirrel bury a nut. Most entertaining goddamn thing I’ve ever seen. Made Star Wars look like absolute hog shit
*phone rings*
Me: THANK GOD YOU CALLED I’VE BEEN SO WORRIED ABOUT MY CAR WARRANTY!
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
Airlines: Your ticket is $300. Oh, you would like to bring clothes with you? How extravagant! That will be an additional $50.
Lionel Richie: 🎶hello is it me you’re looking for?
caller: actually yes I’d like to speak to you about your car’s extended warranty
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
I’ll get a 5-mile queue at my coffin but it will be all collection agencies making sure I’m really dead.
The Reacher guy looks like an 11 year old boy after getting 3 wishes from a genie
Boss : Why Are You Late?
She : Heavy Traffic
Boss : Is that my fault?
She : Did I Blame You
*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol