Neil Patrick Harris couldn’t host a tapeworm without a musical number. #Emmys
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fish genie: wait, did i just grant you three wishes
me: *rich, handsome, and enjoying world peace* errm, no
Every parent becomes an Olympic sprinter when they see their toddler standing in front of a wall with a Sharpie
Like a good neighbor
State Farm and I haven’t ever spoken.
Drunk at 20: “I’m going to call my ex.”
Drunk at 30: “I’m going to tweet my MP.”
You wanna hot body?
You wanna Bugatti?
You wanna Maseratti?
Then this is an intervention you NEED to stop listening to Britney Spears.
[hospital]
DOCTOR: Your wife signed a DNR
ME: I’m here for a sprained ankle
DOCTOR: She insisted
I feel like I’d do well in a zombie apocalypse. Not from survival or fighting skills. I just think the zombies would just recognize my similar dislike of moving quickly and enjoyment of biting people and accept me as one of their own.
“How do you sleep at night!”
Usually on my side facing the door.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
fedex guy: here’s your package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
How does North Korea only have four medals so far?
We’re the best at everything.
We even fed our athletes this time.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
I dread doing laundry as if I didn’t have a machine that washes the clothes for me and another that dries them for me, as I do nothing
What idiot called it a pig thief and not a ham burglar?
If you like airborne fecal matter you’ll love being alive on earth
You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.
Socialising is hard.
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
Therapist: what’s upsetting you?
Wife: he’s always using common phrases incorrectly
Me: cry me a table, Linda
Something’s wrong with the selfie camera on my new phone. It keeps making me look like I’m 40.
Magician: Is this your card?!
Me: Yes! *turns to children and whispers* Go out to my truck and get my shotgun and rock salt. Daddy found himself a demon.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
“Hey handsome. Why not come over to my place and eat the fried breadcrumbs I’m covered in?” she said, croquettishly.