“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
You Might Also Like
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
me: anybody see how my deck was damaged?
him: chainsaw
me: then Chain needs to tell
Got out of the car and dropped my keys in the gutter. They landed next to my mind, which I thought I’d lost.
Yes, autocorrect, I wanted to ask if she was all tight. Thank you. Now I know.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
Please pray for my 5yo who demanded I get him a glass of water because he’s “too thirsty to walk to the kitchen”.
Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
pugs look like regular dogs that ran into a door at full speed
Trump assures Abe that he supports Japan 100%!
“I mean, I saw Godzilla like, 7 times!” says Trump.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
All I’m saying is that the Care Bears gave me some very unrealistic expectations.
There are hospitals for the criminally insane. And then there are parliaments for the insanely criminal.
Alexa give me one million dollars I know you have it
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
I was kinda flattered when the police sketch artist made me better looking.
Keeping this house spotless is tough, but trying to look busy for the three hours that the maid is here isn’t exactly a walk in the park either.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
I have to stop watching TV with my kids. I keep comparing my dates to Bluey’s dad and nobody measures up.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
Grandma baked a cake for the team but her use of punctuation made it sound sarcastic
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
I’m watching Fatal Attraction to refresh my psycho skills
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
REPORTER: how does it feel that ur tweet got like 0 favs?
ME: it made me laugh so I dont think its so bad
R: how does it feel 2 be wrong tho