Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
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Twerking is the crocs of dancing.
Life hack
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
My sex drive has a dui
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
[terrorist meeting]
“Let’s hit Americans where they gather to shop”
But how will we find these Targets?
“Guys you’re not gonna believe this”
[movie trailer]
IN A WORLD OF ANIMAL NOISES
*distant oinks and moo’s*
ONE OLD MAN KNEW THEM ALL
*dramatic music*
BUT BEFORE HE WAS A MAN
*slow piano music*
BEFORE HE HAD A FARM
*flying shot of rolling hills*
HE WAS…
*extreme close up*
YOUNG MACDONALD
[coming soon]
lost boys: how’d the prank on captain hook go?
peter pan: oh you guys are gonna love this HAHA I cut off his hand LOL and i FED IT TO THE CROCODILE 🙂
lost boys:
peter pan: so funny
lost boys: you’re a sociopath
I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
Tuna are probably pretty annoyed with how much we worry about catching dolphins in our tuna nets.
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Friend: Hey, if you have a gambling problem, there’s a number you should call
Me: I bet it starts with an 8
wife on facebook: homework with 9, he’s doing so well!
wife to me: it took him 8 tries to spell cake. CAKE. grab some wine on your way home
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
[opening birthday cards]
me: [disappointed] there’s no money in any of these
walmart clerk: put those back
Wasn’t this a cartoon.
Don’t invite me over unless you are trying to secretly transfer a cursed object to me.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
I leave my vacuum in the middle of the floor at all times so when I have unexpected company I can say I was just about to clean my house.
The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Self-control (n.): Charlize Theron keeping a straight face on when the mirror tells her Kristen Stewart is prettier than she is.
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
I’m 46 years old, my dad told me that candy floss evaporates after a day and I’ve told my kids this. My dad ate my candy floss didn’t he?
I just shaved my legs. I think I lost three pounds.
I hate it when people who are younger than me complain about being old. They’re all like… well, I forget what they say, but it’s still annoying.