Me: Your honor, he’s not asking the witness any questions. He’s just reading Harry Potter to the jury.
Judge: Yeah, I’m gonna allow it.
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airport customs officer: *slowly unzipping my bag* anything to declare?
me: how many spiders am I allowed?
airport customs officer: *slowly doing my bag up again*
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
Life’s not about waiting for the storm to pass, it’s about learning how to Riverdance around a broken bottle of olive oil in aisle 6.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
One day you’re young and carefree and the next your husband says something like “the bowl can’t be hotter than the soup” and you’re trying to figure out when this old man moved into your home.
Just watched the first half of Goodfellas, and it’s great. Being in the mob looks super fun, can’t wait to watch the second half where I assume the good times continue to roll.
I have unresolved anger issues with all the pistachio nuts I ever failed to open.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
me:
Game of Thrones fan: man i just got out of a meeting that was a TOTAL Red Wedding. I thought heads were gonna roll like Ned Starks haha. Oh dont i owe you from lunch the other day? A Lannister always pays his debts! Anyway better bundle up out there, winter is coming LOL!!
Nothing makes me get up faster than my 6yo walking by me with a bottle of Elmer’s glue.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
Me, writing: I must get the description of this wrought-iron fence that I remember from my childhood exactly right, down to the bumps and bubbles in the many coats of paint., no matter how long it takes.
Me, editing: *deletes three pages of description; inserts “a fence”*
Grapefruit juice tastes like orange juice that just found out it has to work on it’s day off.
My dad loves telling the story of when I was young I asked ”when is someone going to die, so I can move from the kids’ table?”
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
GF: What a perfect night
ME: It gets better *bends on 1 knee* Will you…
GF: OMG yes!
ME: *puts Space Jam DVD on her finger* put this in?
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
at soccer practice a mom next to me asked her kids if they wanted to do cartwheels with her and i’m like shut up no one likes you
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
ALEX TREBEK: well that’s important work you’re doing; the orphanage probably loves you
CONTESTANT: thank you
ME, SWEATING:
TREBEK: Matt, from new york, it says here you once got your hand stuck in a sink, tell us about that
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
We need to put an American base on the sun
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
I was wondering how they got the sign to just float in midair like that. Now it makes sense.
why do “youngster” and “elderly” get to be words, but “oldster” and “youngerly” don’t?
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
The correct etiquette is to always use a fish knife when eating fish; a tomato knife when eating tomatoes; and a Swiss Army knife when eating the Swiss Army.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.