[visits psychic]
*knocks on door*
Psychic: “who is it?”
Me: “well this is a bad start”
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[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
I’m old enough to remember when Oreos came in one flavor: “Oreo.”
i like how at this walmart they put baby food products in the checkout lane. like oops thats right i have a baby to feed
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I hate when I’m hanging up my clothes and I find an unused treadmill from 1981.
I walk around like everything is fine, but deep down……
inside my shoe, my sock is sliding off.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
So bored I just logged into my LinkedIn account.
im starting to think mr peanut was the only thing holding the world together
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
It’s not a real relationship, until you’ve apologized to a locked bathroom door.
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
Stalker status update: Good news-I’m not in your house.
The bad news-I am UNDER your house and the tunnel is complete.
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
I kinda feel like everyone shakes their head a little too much when they see me coming
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
[guy from the 50s arrives in a time machine]
“Who’s president?”
Barack Obama
“Braco? Sounds Mexican”
Nope
“Whew”
You might want to sit down
Blinded by the light is really just a song about turning the bathroom light on in the middle of the night.
By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Me: wow. Your room is a mess
4: you can clean it
Me: but you made the mess
4: I know you can do it
Me: I’d love some help
4: you’ve got this, Mama
WIFE: When my sister goes on holidays, she likes to stay off the beaten track, often using lesser known roads to see the country.
ME: *barely audible* a detourist
WIFE: Get out.