I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
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Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
It must be very traumatic for my wife to be at work knowing I’m home alone getting bread crumbs on the kitchen counter.
Let’s pray for her.
You’re the apple of my eye.
The grape of my elbow.
The lemon of my foot.
The banana of my hair.
My sweet hair banana.
The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.
9/10 students agree that someone got lost on the field trip
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
*practices like 1000 times in the mirror*
[at Starbucks]
“One grander none-fatty flaparinno”
barista: …
“I’ll try again tomorrow”
Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}
Had to turn the heat on this morning, so of course I’ve started playing Christmas music.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
Always remember…. A mirror never lies.
(Fatty)
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
About 20 minutes before my husband gets home from work I spray Febreze, then he assumes I cleaned something.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
Luke: Lightsabers cut through anything.
Ninja: So does a samurai sword.
L: But does it make a cool noise?
N: *cuts off Luke’s other hand*
Me: don’t tell mom where we hid her birthday presents.
3yo: I won’t.
Wife: hey guys.
3yo: mom your birthday presents are definitely not under my bed.
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
If you get the Wordle in 5 while a toddler is screaming at you it counts as getting the Wordle in 1.
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.