What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
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A great way to grow your account is to run your phone through a paper shredder.
My husband and I draw straws on Valentine’s Day to decide who has to be on top.
If you love something, give it a really embarrassing haircut. At least, I assume that was my mom’s motto.
me: I think some people are birds in disguise
friend: lol can I tweet that
me: *narrows eyes* can you what
HR: “You’ve put Kurt Russell down as an emergency contact.”
Me: “Yeah, I’d like to meet him before I die. Dude is a legend.”
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
Maybe i’m not naked, maybe my pants are just invisible?
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
CAPTCHA: Select all tiles with chameleons.
ME: Oh no.
I need a Waze app, but for my walks. Instead of “vehicle on shoulder ahead” it says “person on trail ahead” so I can detour to avoid any human interaction.
something to keep in mind if you’re considering living in a small apartment with multiple cats is that I had to use a lint roller on my FACE this morning
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
When planning dinner, remember that ice cream has both calcium and protein
Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…
So far, nobody can tell the difference.
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
My spanish class in high school should have had a bit less
“Where is the bathroom”
and a bit more
“She was dead when we got here”.
I once walked out of a movie because the actor’s fake typing was so bad.
[playing hangman]
wife: Pick a letter
son: Does it have to be from the alphabet?
me *gets up*
wife
*sound of his college fund jar breaking*
british twitter be like “oi, you bought a blue tick for 11 pounds innit m8 🤣”
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
The loudest sound ever recorded was the volcanic eruption of Krakatoa, so named after the 2nd loudest, someone stubbing their foot on a coffee table.