Our friend in New Zealand wished my 8yo a happy birthday the night before her birthday. I tried explaining time zones to her but all she heard is Liz is from the future.
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Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing
i did it God! i finaly got 2 of evry animal
NOAH.THEY HAVE TO BE ALIVE
*noah looks at boat full of dead animals*
do u kno how long this took
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
alfred: you have lung cancer
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman:
alfred:
batman: *reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir, no
Showed my mom a pic of a guy I thought was hot and she said he looked just like my dad when he was young and now Christmas is ruined
I’d be lost without the care instructions on these pants.
Just found out there’s a bug called the tarantula hawk wasp and I’m like holy shit maybe just pick one terrifying predator to name it after.
“loud noises scare horses”
[wife now whispering] get it out of the basement
A lot of infant toys promise to improve motor skills, yet I’ve never seen a baby work on a car.
Hiring Manager: How do you see yourself moving up within this organization?
Me: I’d use the elevators
Hiring Manager:
Me: Elevators, Sir.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
hubs: why the makeup?
me: we’re cooking dinner together.
him: and…
me: and, I want to look nice when the police arrive.
The first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is stupid.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
Mockingbird: I imitate other birds.
Hummingbird: I make a humming noise. What do you do?
Swallow: *Blushes*
Sephora employee: “you have 70000 points, you can choose from any of these things”
So rude of Ashton Kutcher to file divorce papers right before Demi Moore’s 150th birthday.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
Diet day 1
I have removed all the bad food from the house.
It was delicious.
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
Financial Advisor: You should think about diversifying your assets.
Me: You mean like buying shorts that aren’t cargo?
Valentine’s Day in a cardiac surgeon’s house
Wife opening cooler: this had better be chocolates
Have girl problem? Feel bad for you son. I live in Russia. Have 99 problems. Bear ate car. Wife ate bear. Son ate wife. I eat son now?
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”