The internet is undefeated.. 😂
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House Hunters:
“We want a slide, cheeseburgers, a clown.”
Realtor: Are you describing McDonalds?
“haha no”
*3 kids tumble out of trenchcoat*
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
The heaviest things in the world:
4) iron
3) lead
2) tungsten
1) a toddler who doesn’t want to be picked up
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
#WeirdThingsToBeAfraidOf Whatever KitKat comes up with next
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me wandering around the house at night looking for the source of the sound in my dream that woke me
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
i always get a lock of hair on the 1st date in case she dumps me i can still scrapbook about it
I threw my cat a surprise party. Long story short, I need 30 stitches and learned I should never scream ‘SURPRISE’ directly in my cat’s face
I’m really proud of myself for getting the daily requirement of produce stickers in my diet today.
Hairless cats look like the devil screwed up a possession.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
do beavers even know what they’re doing or do they just see water flowing down a river and think “absolutely not”
Wife [walking into house]: Ummm..
Me: [recreating “You Better Shape Up Scene” from Grease with my dog dressed as Sandy]: You’re home early.
I got a raw meat sandwich that I really don’t like so I swallowed it completely.
Just found out the hard way that nude yoga is only acceptable when the entire class is doing it
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
I thought I felt a spider crawling on my neck.
Now I have to pretend I was breakdancing at this bank.
If I had a time machine I’d take 17 dollars to 1901 and buy several luxurious homes. Related: does anyone have a time machine and 17 dollars
I guess I shouldn’t have had 3 cookies… Now, I’m being judged.
My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMAO
airlines: “you can purchase a can of beer”
me: 😃
“it’s $9”
😩
“there’s a 50/50 chance we’ll forget to come back and charge you”
😃