As a kid Popeye was my hero. I’d stare at canned spinach and longed to eat it so I could be as strong as him. One day I stole a can from my grandma and with sweet anticipation took my first bite ever only to find out it tasted like… well canned spinach. Crime doesn’t pay kids.
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I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
[spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is sentence
Me: can you use it in a sentence?
Moderator: your word is sentence
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
[first day as tour guide in New York]
Me: that’s the Statue of Liberty
Guy: what is she clutching
Me [awkward long pause]: all the liberty
You meet the rock singer Meat Loaf while he’s out with his kids. He says, “These are my boys, Gravy, Mashed Potatoes, and Kyle.”
friend: make her feel wanted
me: okay
[later]
me: *tossing photo at table of bounty hunters* this is your target
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Commas make a big difference. For example “Don’t eat that, grandpa” has a very different meaning than “,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,,”
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Dog: When are we going for a walk?
Me: Just let me finish my sandwich*Dog steals and eats my sandwich
Dog: Okay, I’m ready
Nicknamed my newly crawling baby Roomba, for the obvious reasons
[commercial for rakes]
“Are u tired of eating leaves?”
Im the guy that says “Is he bothering you?” when some douche is hitting on you, just so I can hang around and bother you after he goes away.
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
[Job Interview]
Boss: It says you are a great problem solver
Me: Yes
B: Can you give me an example?
Me: I’m hired
B: *whispers* holy shit
An umpire pulling out a small broom and sweeping his date’s chair before she sits down.
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
People should come with disclaimers like:
May cause drowsiness or
Will end up sleeping w/your bf or
May induce homicidal ideations
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
At least he brought enough for everyone