Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
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[sees a zebra for the first time]
What’s up with that horse?
[sees a giraffe for the first time]
Okay, what the hell is going on today?
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
I’ll call bowling a sport when there’s a goalie.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
One of the more important commas I’ve seen in a long time…
first time homeowner question. how much fog is supposed to be coming from my basement?
when your spouse is out with friends and won’t answer your texts
ME *pulls back from a kiss* This isn’t right. We shouldn’t be doing this. It’s unnatural. You’re a burrito.
I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
As Head Priestess of the North Glendale coven…in addition to requesting YET AGAIN everyone sign up for unholy committee duties…I’ll reiterate that your amulets MUST be smaller than mine, yes I mean yours Susan. Also there’s a Prius blocking the driveway. All hail the Dark Lord.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
it’s called dunkin donuts because hole foods was taken
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Travel bloggers during quarantine
I was really happy when Miss 10 came in especially to see me when I was feeling unwell the other day. She looked at me and asked is the cat in here and left.
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
she has a point
The aliens only appear to people in the US because they’ve heard so much about its many hummus flavours
After two divorces, I think I’ve found the key to a successful marriage. Don’t marry a cunt.
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
I think this was a scene from “The Birds”
I always wanted to be on Family Feud but there were never 5 people in my family speaking to each other at one time.
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
I will piledrive the next kid who puts on a shitty movie then leaves the room.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world
yesterday at the mall a woman asked for my opinion between two men’s shirts and immediately went to check out with the one i didn’t choose