If you want to feel better about your parenting, my 14-year-old asked if she could be a six-pack of beer with her friends for Halloween.
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You know you have something special w someone when u start finishing their sentences. But enough about me & my local Subway sandwich artist
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
Me: I’ve got the singing voice of an angle
Friend: Don’t you mean angel?
M: Nope, people hear me sing and do a complete 180
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
Claustrophobia is the fear of closed spaces…
For example, I’m going to the liquor store and I’m scared that it may be closed…
And then there were 4
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
Me: You Miss 100% Of The Shots You Don’t Take
Vaccination clinic nurse: You are already boosted. Please Leave
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
We’re all ridiculous…
It’s not a competition.
I hope one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse is single.
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
Help your friends diet by replacing the light in their fridge with an air horn.
Me: *wandering around ‘Free Speech’ rally* “Hey, when do they give out the peaches?! Anyone?!”
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Payday: BUY ALL THE THINGS!!
Day Before Payday: I would like to pay for this taco in pennies.
Some of my friends have really unattractive children and I don’t say a word I just carry this heavy cross
flight attendant: sir, you can’t bring that cow manure on the plane
me: THIS IS BULLSHIT!
My wife CLAIMS to be my best friend but she didn’t seemed all that psyched when I bragged about this girl at work I just made out with.
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
I’ve been using special shampoo and I’ve noticed my hair is stronger, it benched 240lbs the other day