How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.
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@brookeG105 @SwedishCanary @funTweeters @Mad_Humor
Mary has her cakes…
Sandra has her cookies…
Me to client: Is there anywhere else you’re purchasing supplies with other than me?
Client: sadly no. Just you.
Me:
Client: I didn’t mean it like that!
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
The new Barbie movie should be an accurate depiction of her. Her knees should not bend, her house should have no walls, and the elevator should break all the time.
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
Can’t wait for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I have decided to switch to a spite-based diet
Grill became self-aware just in time to realize where it’s headed
My son asked why my legs are “so fat.” You’re damn right I’m here for validation.
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
BREAKING: FBI discovers that Hillary’s 30,000 deleted emails were all Facebook notifications from Biden tagging her on cat videos.
Michael Cera forgets to do laundry and has to wear a doctor costume to the hospital. He’s too shy to refuse people and performs 3 surgeries.
Me: Which is closer, the moon or California?
Granddaughter: The moon. I can’t see California from here.
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
*tucks an errant lock of my gynecologist’s hair behind her ear with my toes*
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
Remodel Shows: “Transform your fire escape into the perfect home office.”
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
sweet burn for a programmer would be “hey your user interface looks more like a loser interface”
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Jay-Z is actually the 26th generation of the Jay family, which dates back to the middle-ages, when Jay-A invented rap.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Me: *Applying for a second mortgage*
Banker: *shuffling papers* I just don’t understand how you got the first one on this Bouncy House.
Is it physically possible to be sad in rollerskates? Cause I think my cat’s just being dramatic.