My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
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My kid: “Mommy, can you teach me how to pick a lock?”
Me, on the other side of the bathroom door: “No.”
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
Hotel Security just knocked on my door to deliver a package. He asked for indentification. I showed him my book,with my name and face on it
Fact: DJs who work at radio stations playing christmas music for two months are not allowed to wear belts or shoe laces.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
This is a environmentally responsible account. I reuse all the letters from deleted tweets.
Don’t ever get excited if your kid likes a new food. They won’t like it tomorrow.
You should be my grillfriend. Not a typo, girl. You’re hot enough to cook meat on.
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
Worst Excuses For Being Late
5) Too many dragons
4) Out of dragons
3) I’m not late, Steve is
2) Time is fake
1) Made a list of excuses
No, I don’t think I will.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
I play hard to get by barricading the door and holding hostages.
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
Are you even a parent if you’ve never carried your child out of a store sideways like a surfboard?
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
❎ Client not paid?
✅ Add opacity to the body tag and increase it every day until their site completely fades away