[First day as a Waiter]
Customer: Waiter, my fish has glass in it.
Me: Probably what killed it.
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quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
Last day of lockdown: I’m going to miss sitting around doing nothing
First day back in work: *sitting around doing nothing
Wife: How is he?
Doctor: To be honest, he’s like a fish out of water
Wife: He’s in unfamiliar surroundings?
Doctor *pushes glasses up nose* he’s dead
My 3yo instructed me to be the monster at the park but just as I was about to grab her she shouted “hey monster, it’s lunch time!” so I’m super impressed with her survival skills
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Sometimes I’m eating chips and I pick up a chip crumb off my shirt and eat it but it’s a different flavor of chip than I’m currently eating.
No, I don’t want to hang out at your house. Your pot to snacks ratio is all off.
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
Apparently, the new iPhone 13 Pro Max will help you lose weight pretty quickly..
..
..
..Because once you buy it, you won’t be able to afford food for 3 months !!
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
[lawyer whispers to plaintiff]
two can play this game
“Your honor. Upsexy.”
Judge: what’s upsexy?
“that’s harassment. move to change venues”
The cable company told me they would send a guy out and I need to be home between the hours of 1pm and 2014.
You can count on your dog to be the first responder when anything or anyone drops to the floor.
China: ok. now we start the Great Roof.
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
Friend: Your makeup looks nice.
Me: Thanks. I went to a wedding last weekend.
[watching Canadian Geese slowly walk across the street]
Me: ya know you can fly !
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
I’m gonna try this if it ever happens me.
*i drop my pen at work*
Guy who backpacked around Europe: that reminds me of this little village in the north of Romania
If you beat a man with a mustache in a fist fight, you get to keep his mustache.
IN CASE OF FIRE BREAK GLASS
*breaks glass*
*a glazed honey ham pops out*
“Nice nice”
Fun Fact: Bananarama had the highest potassium levels of any 80’s pop group.
There’s no easy way to steal a watermelon.