Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
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Let’s give a big round of applause to everyone on Facebook who went to the gym today even though they “hate it”!! They are the real heroes.
My father just called me to tell me that my voicemail is full so no one can leave me a message and this is the best news I’ve had all week.
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Would I understand the music of Dua Lipa if I haven’t first heard any songs by Uno Lipa?
Cat owners aren’t lazy. They’re just often paralyzed for hours because the supreme ruler of the house is sleeping on their lap.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
[Raiding ISIS Safehouse]
Green leader: Area secured. Over
Me: Apple Turn. Over
GL: Wha
Me: Extreme make. Over
GL: Take that guy out too
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
i finally learned that stocks are the birds that deliver ur baby so follow me for more finance tips
I went to the house I grew up in and asked if I could have a look around. They said no and slammed the door. My parents can be so freaking rude…
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
Bring a toddler to your next robbery. Their smudgy fingerprints everywhere will make the forensics team cry.
Boss: “Do you have a Twitter account?”
Me: “Umm… Yo no hablo inglès.”
Boss: “Tienes una cuenta de Twitter?”
Me: *fakes a seizure*
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
“His house was clearly on fire but he thought he had time to hit the snooze button just once.”
-an obituary
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels