Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
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2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Paw Patrol, but it’s just my wife chasing the cat with a squirt bottle every time he attacks the other cats.
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
Me: I have no choice, there is no other way
*puts voodoo doll of myself on tiny exercise bike*
Someone in my daughter’s class gave her a whoopee cushion for Valentine’s Day and now the bar is set. She may never love a gift as much as this one, guys. 🤪
I gave a man a fish. I taught a man to fish.
Fish aren’t all that happy with me right now.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
[walking her home after the first date]
She: I love long walks
[Trying to impress her]
I have to walk everywhere cause I can’t afford a car.
(doing standup routine)
Dating! Dating is tough man! I gotta explain the amulet that fuels my greed but also is the only thing keeping Beelzebub at bay?? After going on bumble it’s like screw it!
Beelzebub (cheering from the crowd): take the amulet off!
Tell me you get it…🤣
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
The most rewarding part of having a teenage daughter is having someone who looks exactly like you, acts just like you but who also finds everything about you absolutely repulsive
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
Pet Store Manager: What qualifies you to work here?
Applicant: I’m kind of sweet yet sad & a bit creepy for some reason
PSM: You’re hired!
[sex in car]
ME: Remember when you could do this without fear of strangers watching?
BF: Yes
UBER DRIVER: Would you like a water?
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
My 3yo asked for gnocchi for breakfast because apparently I’m the head chef at a 24 hour Italian bistro.
The Bachelor would be a much better show if there was one woman who was a secret saboteur actively trying to wreck The Bachelor’s life.
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Today is apparently Ash Wednesday which I can only assume has something to do with our hero from the hit TV show Pokémon.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
If I were on trial I would wear Crocs.
The prosecutor would be all, like, “whoa, that dude’s been defending himself his whole life.”
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.