Remember, when asking for a raise, it is considered customary to be sober.
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Sorry I made promises on Friday
In case you haven’t checked Facebook,
It’s hot today, the fireworks were beautiful, and 32 friends invited you to play candy crush!
Ever misread a tweet and think someone is being sarcastic so you laugh and retweet them only to realize later they weren’t being sarcastic and are really bat-shit crazy? Yeah, me neither.
I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
how did this penguin get in my apartment??!?!
Half the time when you booked The Cure, you got Placebo instead..
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
Dunno how you Americans have the motivation and energy to pronounce the ‘y’ in ‘basil’ and ‘tomatoes’.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
“At this point, if the Zodiac Killer is still alive, he’s gonna reveal his identity just so people don’t think he’s Ted Cruz. “ – my wife
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
My personal trainer and my marriage counselor have vastly differing opinions on how many “cheat days” I am allowed each month.
Him: I’m an English teacher
Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
[Bookstore]
Me: *hands over Tangled coloring book*
Cashier: How old is your daughter?
Me: [sweating nervously] Of course it is
We have to buy a new toaster because my son tried using the icing packet from his toaster strudel as a potholder to protect his fingers and dropped it in the toaster, where it melted and oozed icing all over.
But in his defense, it didn’t say not to do that on the box.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
The opposite of goth is stopth.
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
[first day in the Coast Guard]
Sea Captain: HELP MY SHIP IS SINKING!
Me: [lying in boat hammock] sorry buddy, I joined the Coast Guard not the Work Hard Guard.
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
Pro Tip: If you are under the age of 35, don’t get married. If you are over 35, don’t get married. If you are 35, don’t get married.
People who say “why wasn’t I invited?” don’t realize that they are actually the real winners.