“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
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A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
I never knew the word “mom” could even have 7 syllables until I had kids.
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
[Robot Uprising]
Human: Oh no a robot! What kind are you?
Robot: I am a counting machine
Human: Oh thank g—
Robot: Now killing human #53822
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
The gross is always greener on the outside
I say as I look at the 4yo who just sneezed
Me: I hope you pee your pants, teach you not to hold it in!
My daughter: You shouldn’t wish for that..you’re the one that does the laundry!
Have to get my driver’s license renewed today, so naturally I spilt coffee on my shirt.
Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Congrats u survived pandemic so your reward is World War III
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
[traffic jam]
MAN: [rolls down window] Dude, why?
ME: [in the next car holding a rabbit as it repeatedly kicks the horn] It’s his birthday
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
I became a detective for the cold cases. Turns out they’re nothing to do with beer.
Betrayed.
flight attendant looks at me then looks at the no smoking sign then looks back at me then looks at the brisket i have in my smoker
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
America’s national mascot should just be a drunk white girl typing on a shattered iPhone.
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
I tossed my billiard table into the bathtub.
Now I have a swimming pool.
ME: ugh turn this off, I hate depressing movies
GOD: This is your life flashing before your eyes
ME: Put Ratatouille on
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
Answering: How are you?
“Good”
-lame
-probably a lie
-will have you ask “how are you” in return“Not good”
-lame
-looks weak
-incites follow-up questions“That’s confidential”
-inventive
-sounds mysterious
-allows to answer follow-up questions with “that’s confidential” too 😀
Most of the time I fall asleep before I figure out which remote does what again