Quarantine Day 23: Today the kids and I made shivs…fine, we sharpened pencil crayons for a craft. But by the end of it, I definitely felt like stabbing someone.
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If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
Some vampires adopt common dog names so that people will accidentally call them inside.
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
*adds ‘memory loss’ to Symptoms*
friend (via text): can I call you right now?
me: no. i’m not near my phone.
‘Triskaidekaphobia’ is the word for an irrational fear of the number 13.
But why does Big Dictionary have no word for if the fear is rational? Like, maybe the number 13 killed your family, or cut your brake lines.
Stay woke, friends.
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.
The roof of my mouth has had it too easy lately. I’m gonna eat some scalding hot pizza followed by a handful of granola.
Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Greg: “You’ve put Christmas decorations up?”
Ian: “I know it’s only November but-”
Greg: “We work in a morgue, Ian. A morgue.”
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
I’m a fairly bold person, but not “first person to clap during a pause in a fine arts performance” bold
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”
[Bar]
Friend: I’m just lucky, I guess. Nothing ever embarrasses me.
Drunk Me: Challenge accepted.
My resume is really just a list of things I never want to do again.
*rips finished page from adult coloring book*
*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
This is Kaia. She knows she’s not supposed to be on the couch. In her defense, you were not supposed to be home this early. 14/10
Nothing warms the heart like seeing the tail lights of your houseguests.
Hmmmmm
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.