maybe you want plastic surgery to have a cute button nose. i want plastic surgery where i can burst into a thousand bats like dracula whenever i want.
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1-year-old: *shrieks repeatedly*
Me: Why is she so loud?
Wife: That’s how she talks.
Apparently she speaks fluent pterodactyl.
As a kid I’d watch Price is Right and think ha that sucks he won furniture. Now I’m like, wow I can really use a new bedroom set.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
I like to leave odd yelp reviews for fast food restaurants that say things like, “Not overly racist.”
[me as a disc jockey]
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop singing over the songs
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
[bar trivia night] and remember no using your phones unless it’s an emergency
me: [five minutes later] hello 911? are butterflies insects?
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
Pro tip: Invest in pasta companies.
Worth every penne.
[texting]
Him: What’re you doing
Me: Watching a chicken strip
H: Why don’t you just eat it
M: BECAUSE SHE’S BUSY DANCING, TODD
I said “I’m not going to repeat myself”
Assert dominance and avoid the family gatherings this week by getting them all restraining orders for Christmas
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
I dated a guy in a band for two months before I realised he was just a sexy mop.
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.
Why do people insist on saying “You’re next” to me at weddings? Do they not realize how serial killery that is?
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Renting a uhaul to make my neighbors think I’m moving and then pretending like I never met them when I see them next
5 SECONDS AGO!
What do we want?
TIME TRAVEL JOKES!
When do we want them?