The movie “Failure To Launch” but it’s a North Korean documentary
You Might Also Like
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
On one hand, I’m intrigued by witchcraft. On the other hand, it seems like it involves a lot of chopping and cooking.
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Grab a plate and throw it on the floor. Did it break? Yes? Ok, now tell it you’re sorry. Good, now, did it unbreak? No? Now you understand.
idea: business cards that just say NO
Sir can I have 5 mins of ur [card]
Girl can I get ur number [card]
BRO DID U STEAL MY NO CARDS [card]
no babe a living wage scares me they’re too big
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
Sorry I pretended I was drowning so you could see how incredible my hair looked underwater.
We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
“Update the force, Luke”
Adobe Wan Kenobi
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
me [putting sons toy together] I don’t think *looks at instructions* *looks at box* Yeah, buddy, it’s not supposed to be on fire like that
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
ME: Let’s go get some chicks
[later]
FRIEND: This isn’t what I had in mind
ME: Shhh *carefully places tophat on baby chicken* this is Abe
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they’ve taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
Me: have a good day make good choices!
My kid: no promises!
People used to be much smaller. WWII people were a foot shorter. Medieval people were basically hobbits. Jesus was the size of a cat.
I would have retweeted that but the sun was in my eyes and I got a lot of personal problems and I’m jealous.
I keep renewing my auto warranty yet they’re still calling. How many times must I give them my credit card number?
me: can I get uhhhh… what’s in a combo number 5?
Lou Bega: *deep breath*