It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
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[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
5: mom, are you a grown up?
me: I’m pretty sure I am. why?
5: so you’re not some kids stacked on top of each other? is Beatrice in there?
detective: looks like the victim was pushed into the pond, let’s go pull him out
[ducks under the police tape]
detective: and get these ducks outta here
Meet the elite couple breeding to save mankind:
I think my cleaning people are stealing my paranoia medication.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
a beautiful woman should never have to send an email. yet such tragedies occur everyday
Husband getting dressed:
Me: Purple and green don’t go together.
Husband: It works for the Joker.
Me: My point exactly.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”
*husband comes outside*
“What are all the neighbors out here laughing about?”
*sees me trying to skateboard to the mailbox*
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
An evil villain is on the loose
Ant-Man: Yellowjacket again?
[giant kid with magnifying glass emerges]
Ant-Man: You gotta be kidding me
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
They didn’t want anyone Trick-or-Treating last night, so I went Christmas caroling.
Mistook a discarded plastic bag for a rat today as the wind blew it across my path. On the plus side, I can now perform the ‘Gangnam Style’.
Who called it a foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
I was raised by a single mother who worked 60 hours a week. Today I was too lazy to eat a mango.
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
me: can i buy u a drink
girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot
me:
girl:
me: can u buy me a drink
We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
Today’s meltdown brought to you by me, who wouldn’t let 4 ride his bike unless he put on underwear, at a minimum
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
What kind of car does a sheep drive?
A Lamborghini.
Just kidding. Sheep can’t afford a Lambo. They just take an Ewe-ber.
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
I’m not a womanizer! They were all women when I found them!
*hangs a note in my medicine cabinet* Mind Your Own Damn Business