An apple a day keeps the doctor away unless you try to swallow one whole
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No thanks, social drama. Puberty sucked enough the first time around.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
I ordered a $9.00 salad on a food delivery app. That’s $57.00 I’ll never see again.
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
Stop staring at my chest dude,
It’s like you’ve never seen ‘dual pocket snack holders’ before.
If we weren’t able to stop Bieber Fever I seriously doubt America can stop an Ebola epidemic.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
[on date pretending not to be a dung beetle]
Date: What’s your favourite meal?
Me: Poop
Date: What?
Me: SOUP, I like eating soup
Damn what did I do next
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
I don’t mean to brag but I have the face of someone with a great personality
🛁
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
In 3rd grade I cheated off my friend Rena’s test because I didn’t know where Washington DC was. Turns out she didn’t know where it was either.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
The cops say I have to stop trying to fist fight the guy who tries to feed my house letters everyday.
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Apparently you can be asked to leave the courtroom if you fall off your chair too many times
Him: Did you make a New Years resolution?
Me: Yeah, I’m gonna be more patient with idiots
Him: Great! How’s it going?
Me: *very deep breath* so so
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Who are these people that buy unsalted butter on purpose?
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?