Emails are always signed like, “thanks” or, “best regards”
I’m going to sign mine, “you’ll live to regret this”
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[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
[standing in bushes with binoculars watching neighbor who is also in bushes watching me though binoculars]
Warning: objects in your rear may feel larger than they they appear.
An app that detects itself running on other people’s phones, then both devices play Random Encounter music. What happens next is up to you.
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
My parents are pretty middle aged.
“So? That’s pretty norm-”
*two knights bust in*
“CHILD, DOST THOU REQUEST REFRESHMENTS FROM THE TAVERN?”
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it
I hear they’re banning honking up there in Canada. Those geese are gonna be pissed…
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Incase you didn’t hear the look I just gave you,
Shut up.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
advice to my younger self: dont bang that old man on his helicopter he’s not joe biden
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
‘Sorry I liked your Facebook status, I was using my laptop as a plate’- my autobiography
A person’s true character is revealed when the shrimp tray comes out at a party.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
This guy’s not having it 😆
Dear America
Would you please take the ‘s’ off the word ‘legos’ and put it back on the word ‘math’ where it belongs.
Many thanks
England
Me: *hits snooze on alarm
Life: *sets off smoke detector
Me, taking my clothes off at a crematorium: So, where’s the sauna?
Me: *pointing gun at husband*
Husband: are you kidding?? he’s obviously the fake
Obvious Evil Clone: *stroking hideous goatee*
Me: but he does all of the laundry
Husband: oh no
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
Mock anti-vaxxers all you want but they’ll never have to deal with their kids during those angsty teen years or go broke paying for their college.
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?